Monday, December 31, 2012

NEW YEARS!!!!

Lets kick this off right with some honesty....

I've often been described as a powerhouse diva that sweeps in and owns who she is and what she wants... but that's not always the case, only what I let people see.  Beneath all the sarcasm, witticism and bantering is still the little girl who is looking for her parent's approval.

I've always been plagued by a lot of self doubts and culminating self esteem issues.  I've never felt like I've measured up to peoples expectations, nor did I think every good thing they've thought of me was true, and often tended to agree with all the negative aspects they spoke about me.  Its an never ending revolving door of self hatred and depression, one that I have fought with for years, and one that people who love the 'real' me have beaten themselves bloody over trying to get me past.

It all started with my mother. Not a lot of people know that she was an alcoholic. I use the past tense because on December 28th, 2010, she drank herself into a vegetative state, and finally her body gave out on her and she died.  I spent my life fighting with and for her, taking care of her, and always being the one to provide the love she always needed, but never valued.  If I wasn't enough for my own mother to stop drinking for, then how could I be enough for anyone else?  No matter how many awards I won, nor how good my grades were, how many jobs I worked, it still wasn't enough for her to stop, and I ended blaming myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm intelligent enough to understand the concept that alcoholism is a disease and a person will only stop drinking when they're ready to stop, nothing you do can speed the process and you shouldn't blame yourself, blah blah blah.  But the emotional side of me doesn't like to listen.

So, on top of my mommy issues, my papa's way of showing support is the whole 'tough love' thing.  You know, say you're good but not the best in the hopes you'll get pissed off enough to prove him wrong..... not necessarily the best thing to use when someone already has a damaged viewpoint of oneself.  Again, comprehend the concept, but emotionally.... nah, not so much.

I went from being down on myself for trying so hard and not being enough, swapping to the viewpoint of 'well, I'm only going to fail anyways and they'll never have faith in me, so f*ck it, why bother'.  That lovely self fulfilling prophecy.  Well, I'm 25 years old, I'm a mother of four beautiful children, and enough's enough.

I'm tired of living in the shadows of my past.  I've had enough of the re-occurring doubts about my abilities, and I'm f*ing done with living (or failing) up to other peoples expectations.  I've come to realize that I have in myself the capability to do EVERYTHING I have ever dreamed of, regardless of how many people think its a fools hope or irrational.  So I'm going to stick my neck, heart and soul onto that f*ing chopping block and am giving this all I have without the fear of being rejected or the fear of it not being enough, because god d*mn it I AM ENOUGH!

Whew, now that my rant is done, lets get to the good part, which is what this is all about: my resolution.  Now, most people want to lose weight, quit smoking, or general improvement in their lives.  Me, not so much. I mean sure, I'd love to lose the last of the baby weight, become a millionaire, etc, but it's not what I'm focusing on.  My sole focus (besides home and kids) is going to be this: finishing my book.

I've always had stories and characters bounding around in my mind.  I've spent years writing them down and describing their story to the most insignificant detail, but I've never had the guts to actually FINISH what I've started due to all the emotional mind f*ing that was stated previously.  Well, by June 24th, my 26th birthday, my book will be completed.  You'll have to kill me to stop me from finishing it cause I'm on a damn mission. Be sure to note that I will keep posting on my blog with all the ridiculous things that will pop into my head over this 'journey', some of which will entertain, some of which will sound like me having a major dose of PMS, but never-the-less it will help you keep track of progress, and give me an opportunity to look over what happened during the process.  Almost like a diary for the world to see.

So, to all the nay-sayers, non believers, or people who are just shaking their heads thinking 'yeah right', I have one thing to say to you.... Watch me.

Until next time my sexy stalkers, Happy Reading.