Thursday, April 24, 2014

A Letter to My Children

Dear Harley, Demetry, Jace and Lexia,

As I look at this screen, everything I want to say floods my mind. Drowning me in thoughts and memories of you as surely as the tears that fall without fail from my eyes. Its been almost a month since I've seen you. A month since I've heard your voices, heard your laughs, held you in my arms. A month since I've played with you, got mad at you for not listening. A month since I was able to tell you that I love you.

Everyday, other parents take for granted those moments. They get mad when they're busy and their children come up to them, interrupting them to tell them something they find funny. They take for granted the growing pains of raising a little person. They get frustrated when their kids act up. When they throw fits. Scream and yell and demand to get their way. I was one of those parents. I got mad at you, Demetry, when you decided to make 'pancakes' on the living room carpet at 3am when everyone was asleep. I got mad at you, Harley, for waking your baby brother and sister up at 5am because you wanted to play. But, ever since October 2013 when our family fell apart and I was left with no choice but to give you to your dad because I couldn't take you to become homeless with me, I would give anything in the world to have those moments back again. To be able to be mad and upset with you for all the silly, irresponsible things that you guys do that drive me insane. I would take you guys at your worst for every day of my life than to feel this overwhelming pain that not having you, not being able to see you or hear your voices brings me.

I hope, one day, that you'll be able to realize that the decision I made wasn't easy. Giving you guys up was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. But I need you to be safe. You guys needed a home and security, and as much as it pains me, I'm not able to give it to you yet.

But, I made you all a promise, and I always keep my promises. I promised you as you all were crying, as you, Harley, were screaming for me to keep you, that I'd be able to bring you home one day. That, some day, I'd be able to get a house where we all could live. Our own magic kingdom just like the ones we talked about every night before you fell asleep. And I will do that. I don't care how long it takes, I will keep my promise. Even when that day comes, and you all are older and don't understand yet everything that happened and hate me for it, I will still offer you a home. You may not accept it. You may not want to be with me anymore by then, and that's okay, because your happiness means more to me than anything else in the world.

So, even if you do end up hating me, I hope you never forget that I love you. That there's not a moment in a day that goes by where I don't think of you, and want more than anything to have you home with me. You guys are my world, are everything that has ever been important to me.

Until I can see you again, I wish for you to be happy.

I love you, forever and always.


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