Monday, March 24, 2014

And The Walls Come Tumbling Down

It's been over 7 months since my last post. You'd think that things would have gotten better, that everything would have worked out, and my family and I would have stayed together. Life isn't that easy, or kind. I've, for the most part, stayed silent about everything that's happened. I've stayed silent about how my world, my life, was destroyed. About how hard I've been fighting. But I don't want to do that anymore.

First Comes Pain

We ended up not finding another place to go after our eviction. Still, I had hope that we would make it. That, somehow, we'd still remain a family. I should have known better, because the lessons life has taught me since I was young prove that you can't always have what you want, no matter how much you want it. I didn't know that Jeremy thought that I didn't love him anymore. That with how much time I had spent writing was hurting him. I thought that he was supportive, that he understood and stood beside me. I didn't see the jealousy that he carried over my books. Didn't see how much I hurt him, and I'm sorry for that.

Then Comes Betrayal

After the eviction, I took the kids down to Florida with me to stay with my dad. I didn't have anywhere else to go, and didn't know what else to do. The kids and I were waiting for him to come down. He had a court appointment, so had to stay behind, but said he'd be down right after. He never showed. For reasons that I won't get into on here, my father kicked the children and I out, leaving us no other choice but to come back up to Indiana. To Jeremy. He was living with his parents, and since I wasn't allowed there, he put me up in a motel room for two days. On Monday, while his parents were at work, I came over to see him and the kids. That's when I found out that he was never going to come down. That he thought I didn't love him anymore, and instead of talking to me, asking me if I did or not, he decided that he would find someone else who would love him. And it wasn't me.

Then Comes Destruction

I became homeless and living out of my van. In that one moment, my world was destroyed. My life, my hope, who I had been for years, was just suddenly gone. In that one moment, I lost someone I had loved and given up everything for for eight years. In that one moment, I had lost my children. In that one moment, I had lost my will to live anymore. To this day I don't know why I kept fighting. What it was that was in me that didn't allow me to give up. I'm manic depressive, and had spent the majority of my teenage years in and out of psych wards for suicide, so you'd think that I'd be a pro at giving up. At giving in. But for some reason, I just couldn't. 

I didn't have any money, had been a stay at home mom for years with only a handful of jobs thrown in here and there when needed. But luckily, the crew at McDonald's didn't care about that. They hired me, and because of that I got to eat whenever I was working, so I didn't starve. I had a little bit of money to where I could somewhat help support my kids, even if I didn't get to see them.

Still to this day, six months later, I rarely get to see them. There will be promises where I can go down and see them, meet him somewhere, or that he'll bring them up to me, but things are constantly getting in the way. You need to understand that I'm not placing the blame fully on him. I know what I have done wrong, and what I could have done better. I know that I, in part, am to blame too. But with everything that's happened, with my life basically being wiped clean, maybe I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Then Comes Hope

I have to believe that things happened for a reason. That there's a silver lining to this dark cloud. To this never ending pain and torment. With everything in my life gone, wiped clean, I now have the opportunity to start again. To fully start again and make my life what I want it to be. Maybe I'm just too much of an optimist, forever seeing the reason behind pain that have no real reason at all, but I have to have hope. That's the only thing that I have left. 

So I shall hope, and I shall bust my ass working towards that hope. It may not be this year, or even next year, but I will become the princess who can save herself. I will create my own safety net. One that no one has the power or ability to take away because it was of my own creation. I will be the type of woman that my children can look up to and be proud of, and I will do whatever it takes to get them back.

I didn't write this post to get pity. I didn't write it for empathy or to cast my woe's out unto the world. I wrote it, to let you, the readers know. I wrote it, to show you that I haven't lost my voice. That I'm okay. At the end of the day, I will always be okay, and if I'm not, then I will be eventually.

For now, I'm staying at my co-workers house. Chris is an extraordinary woman. She's 54 years old, and has taken me under my wing. In a time when I needed it most, she appeared, and I'm eternally grateful for that. I'm busting ass at a minimum wage job, and constantly on the look out for a better one. Lets face it, no one can make it on minimum wage. Hopefully sometime soon I'll get a better job, but for now, this will do.

My Voice Remains

Don't fear that I've quit writing. I may have stopped for awhile when I couldn't find it in me to write because of everything that was going on, but I was quick to get back on the wagon. There will be more books released this year, including the re-vamped version of The Prophecy (I've added another 50k words to it.... whoops), the second installment of the Divinity Stone Series, Bud's Diner #2, and a number of other projects very near and dear to me that I will announce at a later date. My words still remain my voice, and will always remain my voice. I can't wait to share my voice with you, and hopefully share some good news with you soon.

I shall try to pick back up blogging, whether to dish out book news, some odd and end reviews, or just ramble on about the madness that is my life, and my mind. I can't promise that it will be like clockwork, but I can promise that I am thankful for each and every one of you, and that there's nothing in this life or the next that I can do to show you how much you all mean to me.

Take care of  yourself, and each other.

Until next time, Happy Reading.