I haven't written a blog post since December. I know that I should have kept everyone up-to-date on everything that's been happening, but at times it was too hard to even keep my mind together to form a single coherent thought to express to all of you.
But there's one thing I want to tell you all, and that's this.
After almost two years of being homeless (living in my van, sleeping on friends couches, a brief moment when I thought things were going to be okay only to end up living in a tent) I am finally safe.
I have an apartment now, and even though its barely furnished, it's home. It's home because I have my kids with me. It's home, because its a safety that I created that NO ONE can take away from me.
The first night I had my children here I broke down crying, watching their beautiful faces as they slept. I had never felt more sure in anything in my life than in that moment. Everything that I had to risk, to sacrifice to get to THIS point, this moment was worth it. And even though two were sleeping on the couch while the other two were sleeping on my blow-up mattress and I still don't know if I'm going to be able to keep everything together from day to day, month to month, I know that I will still keep doing everything and anything I need to to keep my babies with me. To see their faces light up and their laughter ring out throughout the barren apartment as we play. To feel their little arms wrap around my neck and squeeze tightly as they tell me that they love me, or as my son randomly looks at me and smiles while saying 'we're your sweet babies, and you're our sweet mommy.'
I'd go through it all over again just to feel this. Through the pain, the heartbreak, the utter terror of not knowing if I was going to survive another day. I'd live through each moment again just to have THIS outcome. Just to be able to hug them and tell them that I love them. To me, its the entire world. My world. My hope. My dreams all wrapped up in four little bodies.
If there's one thing I can tell you, give you, from my experience with this, it's one absolutely critical thing: Never give up hope.
You have the power within you to achieve everything your heart has ever desired as long as you're willing to release the fear that holds you down and block out the nay-sayers that tell you you can't. You have the ability to overcome ANYTHING that's thrown your way. You may break down. You may feel shattered, torn, worthless. But all of those emotions are fleeting, because at the core of you is a strength that NO ONE can take away.
Never give up, never give in, and always throw your confetti.
Even when you're down to your last dollar and you don't know where your next meal will come from, GIVE. Give hope to others. Happiness. Joy. Those are things that are freely given and that don't cost anything, yet you reap so much from it.
When I had nothing, I gave everything. Now that I have something, let me give something back.
I give to you guys my thanks, even though that doesn't seem like much. I give my thanks and undying loyalty and support to those who gave me strength when all I wanted to do was lay down and die. I give my love to every one of you who showed silent, and not so silent support. Most of all, I give my confetti to you. Through my experience, I hope that you learn. I hope that you take these words, my voice, and grow from it. That you achieve all that you set out to do. Even if the road is hard, broken, and unbearable at times, always know that you have me beside you.
Believe in yourself, and you'll never be held down for long.
With all my love, always,
Your Confetti Queen.